Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Trumpy Cat