My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
An odd boast
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m about to risk it all
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.