discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
#parenting
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.