Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
You Might Also Like
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.