Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.