Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
no such thing as a dumb question
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!