Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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Cat.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?