I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Oh we’ve met.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Britain be like
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex