Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Finally a use for spoilers…
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame