Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
This meeting could have been a cake
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“Sheer Arrogance”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.