Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.