Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!