Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
This is painfully accurate 😅
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books