Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You Might Also Like
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.