worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
BETRAYAL
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.