I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.