FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
smartest karate player in the world
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s