Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Hard not to take this personally
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…