When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I beg your pardon?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.