“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
You Might Also Like
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Pringles
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.