love pickles so much i put myself in one
You Might Also Like
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)