MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Mornin. * use accordingly
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
me irl
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.