Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*praying for world peace*
God:
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Spider-cat: No One Home
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies