Cucumbers Anonymous
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”