Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
You Might Also Like
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Get in loser we’re going crying
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.