Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
motivation
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME