Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
found my next D&D character name
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My Sentiments Exactly
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Message from the dog groomers
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
this is the best day of my life