[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
You Might Also Like
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me too, bag. Me too….