Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Florida man
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.