[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
is this how new cars are made??
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.