The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
For those that worship cheese..
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes