Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account