A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*