Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?