Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.