Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Happens to everyone.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.