3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]