Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*jazz hands*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.