Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?