[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it