I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
much to think about
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My circle of trust is a meatball
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.