4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
You Might Also Like
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
#dnd #ttrpg