I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.