I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Huge, if true.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.