Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
This made me smile…
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people