[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.