“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”