*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not