recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
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Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Writing, She Murdered.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.