Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.